Just Saying

So does that plate of "only using you" happen to come with a side of "slit your throat"? Yea i let myself get too close, just like they all told me not to. And then the first time i get drunk with him look what happens? I feel so used, like a piece of meat.... He even saw the cuts and he just covered them and kept going..... I DONT UNDERSTAND and on top of it all i still want him back but i probably fucked it all up...

A Need to Forget

I need to forget this boy, the thought of him is killing me. I need to start doing doing shit, getting my mind off of this boy, shit... I hate my life. Just fyi i'm planning my suicide currently, not that anyone cares, cause no one is reading this anyway... but ya, soon, soon.....

NO HOPE

I'm so in love with what was my boy friend, and i seriously dont know what to do... all of a sudden he comes to school dressed hella nice like ive never seen him before, its out of my grasp why.... and not to mention he wont contact me what so ever, and he said he would walk with me this morning and completely blew me off..... I think he might be seeing someone..... ITS KILLING ME... like what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK????

The Last 3 Months

So this is it. The last three months of high school. Yeah, i'm excited.... But i'm also scared. And it doesn't help that i don't become a legal adult until 6 months after that.... And to be able to stay in foster care i have to either be in high school, college, or have a job... Why can't i be a normal kid that turns 18 during senior year? Then at least they'd give me a break before i had to start college... But no I have to finish high school and immediatly enroll in college.... Everyone's dream, right? NOTTT!!!!!! oh well though, at least this will give me a head start on life, i wont be kicked out on my ass with mo support like foster youths used to be. So OK, maybe this is the best thing for me, but i dont want to grow up!!! Ha ha! I spent my whole life saying I cant wait until I'm 18, and now i fucking DREAD the day.... lol, that's just how it works i guess...

Valentines

So ya, its valentines..... just like every holiday for me its just a bunch of bull shit, lol I never have the perfect holiday, or the perfect day really.... i guess christmas was a hecka good day but ya, for the most part my days go to shit. I never can have the perfect day, its always to much or to little, or stressful or boring.... Maybe i'm just destined to have no luck for all of my days... :( whatever, maybe someday i'll have one of those perfect moments where all is good... i hope.

Relationships

SO ya, relationships are stressful... sometimes i wonder if they are worth the stress, so much mistrust, so many arguments.... sometimes i just want it to be over..... But i love him, i don't understand why my feelings are so strong, but they are, and i for some reason cant let him go..... I am the spawn of my mother... she can't let people go, she has attachment issues or some dumb shit, when my father left her she almost aborted me, and when my step-father wanted to leave, she tried to kill herself, and when i left, she has tried everything in her power to guilt trip me into coming back, and when i refused, she has done everything in her power to make my life miserable... see, i got my issues from my mother, so don't blame me.... Then again, it could have something to do with the fact that i was abandoned at birth by my oh so caring father, and my mother was in a constant mental breakdown, thus i pretty much raised myself.... See sometimes i think i would be better off alone, seeing as how mwany issues i seem to have.... But only time can tell, and i really do love this boy, so for now.... I rough it out....

My Addiction

So I am an alcoholic, I'm not afraid to admit it... I have been struggling with this problem for a long time, r so it seems.... Being an alcoholic  is not easy... many people tell me i should just have never picked it up but its not all about your decision making skills, a lot of it you are born with. I knew from the time my pops gave me my first taste when i was 13 that i would never be able to stay away, and so it remains that i have a problem. I've done the usual, AA out treatment centers, in treatment centers, the works.... But sometimes i think, why try, as they say, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic..... I dont know, maybe someday i will be able to overcome this disease, this sickness, someday.....

Retribution

Well I got him back but now everyone hates me... his friends hate me and hella other people fucking hate me.... i feel like such a monster... what the fuck did i do to my reputation? i just was so angry.... cant wait till me and my baby can work past this and move back on to how close we were, if we ever can.... my poor baby, i never meant to hurt him.... never ever...

Fucking Big Mistake

So i just made the biggest mistake of my life.. i just beat the person that meant the most to me in my life... my boy friend, the person i told myself i would never lay my hands on.... i don't know what happened.... it was just i didn't understand what was happening, and i couldn't comprehend why he was throwing everything we had worked so hard for away like that after i told him everything i keep close and hidden, and he told me shit to.... i thought everything was going great and then everything just went down the toilet.... i wanted to be with him and then i layed my hands on his beautiful soul.... am i a monster? i dont know.... but i feel so ugly inside.... so ugly....

Don't You Wonder....

Why do girls spend hours every morning taking care of themselves just so they will be accepted when guys throw whatever the fuck they want on and walk out the door and everyone still loves them because they are them....... Why do girls have to stay below a certain weight when guys can gain a shit ton and still be accepted for who they are....... How come a guy can say "ima fuck three bitches today" and be the coolest shit yet a girl barely talks to three guys and is labeled a whore...... I once had a crush on a boy, when i asked about him to someone, they said hes funny, he fucked so many bitches, the last girl he fucked was a stupid whore, she got an std from him... so why is he cool and she a diseased tramp??? i sit and wonder these questions but can never comprehend.......